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My New Career: Stealing Cars in Oakland

August 1, 2011 by Lazy Man 5 Comments

The local (Northern California) news has been a flutter this week with word that Oakland is not going to pursue a number of crimes anymore. Budget cuts have required that they lay off 80 police officers and the Police Chief Anthony Batts claims they no longer have the man power to look into certain crimes. In fact, he even put out a list of crimes they will no longer respond to. Here are some of the crimes from that link (note it is just a “partial list”):

  • burglary
  • theft
  • embezzlement
  • grand theft
  • grand theft:dog
  • identity theft
  • false information to peace officer
  • required to register as sex or arson offender
  • dump waste or offensive matter
  • discard appliance with lock
  • loud music
  • possess forged notes
  • pass fictitious check
  • obtain money by false voucher
  • fraudulent use of access cards
  • stolen license plate
  • embezzlement by an employee (over $ 400)
  • extortion
  • attempted extortion
  • false personification of other
  • injure telephone/ power line
  • interfere with power line
  • unauthorized cable tv connection
  • vandalism

After looking at this list, I am a bit at a loss as to what crimes the remaining more than 750 police officers in Oakland will be responding to. Perhaps kittens up in trees? Oh, wait, those are fireman.

So I’m thinking it’s time I learn how to Slim Jim a car door and get my hot-wiring skills in fine tuned. Anyone know of a good chop shop in Northern California?

Filed Under: Humor Tagged With: oakland, police, slim jim

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