[Today’s guest post comes from Kosmo. I’ll warn you in advance that is a little different from what you’d normally read in this space (I’ve given some thoughts about that at the end). When Kosmo isn’t giving horrendous advice, he’s steering the ship over at The Soap Boxers and spinning up new fiction tales. You can find his Kindle books on Amazon.]
Most of you know that the world will end on December 21, 2012. Most of the world is hunkered down in cold war era bomb shelters, in a futile attempt to remain alive through the end of days. The smarter people are seeing the end of the world as an incredible opportunity. Here are tips on how to take advantage of the imminent destruction of the earth.
- Three words: cash out re-fi. Home equity? Is that really going to be important when the earth is just a smoldering core? Get your grubby hands on all the cash you can find.
- Raid the retirement funds and your kid’s 529 plan while you’re at it. Hey, we both know the kid’s going to struggle to make it out of second grade – time to rid yourself of the delusions of grandeur and make a profit at the same time.
- Job? What job? Goodbye, loser drones. I’ll be on the beach, sipping a Jack and Coke.
- Spend, spend, spend! Take that cash and make sure it’s all gone by December 21, 2012. Apply for every possible credit card and run those suckers to the limit and beyond! Last one to max out their cards is a rotten egg.
- Bacon
- [Bleep] you, IRS. I’ll send you my tax return … in 2013. Ha!
- Try some new foods. Personally, I recommend the homo sapiens filet. Take care when choosing restaurants that serve this delectable dish. Restaurants located near prisons tend to serve filets that are a bit tougher than those which serve only free range homo sapiens. Pricey, but excellent when prepared by a master chef. Simian fries are a great choice for a side dish.
- Cut the tags off your mattress. I double dare you!
- Travel to Costa Rica to see the dinosaurs. For that matter, buy one of the darned things. Cute little buggers, aren’t they?
- Learn a second language. I recommend FORTRAN.
- Lock in your 2012 Cubs season tickets early. It has long been forecast that a Cubs World Championship will cause the apocalypse, so the Northsiders are the team of destiny in 2012!
- Can you really die from mixing Coke and Pop Rocks? Only one way to find out. Let’s wait on this one until a few days before everyone dies from terminal apocalyptia.
- Buy that collection of Rob Schneider movies you’ve had your eye on. There will never be a better time to snap up the cinematic classics featuring this Oscar-snubbed thespian. The Olivier of our day, in my opinion.
Other points making it post-worthy:
- I appreciated the “bacon” reference. Bacon to me is like butter to Paula Deen.
- There was a time when I actually knew FORTRAN fairly well… because I was dorky enough to find it interesting. Though I quickly moved from that to FORTH. Again, I’m big with the dork (as Willow might have said in Buffy the Vampire Slayer).
- While on Buffy, when I read the phrase “terminal apocalyptia”, I couldn’t help think of this Riley quote, “Buffy. When I saw you stop the world from, you know, ending, I just assumed that was a big week for you. It turns out I suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of apocalypse.” The lesson here is that there’s a lot of fun to be had with the word apocalypse.
- Finally, I think my mother might buy Deuce Bigalow from the Amazon link at the end earning me a small commission. I seem to recall her mentioning that it wasn’t a bad movie. (Don’t worry mom, you are still cooler than me. Remember the FORTRAN and FORTH stuff above.)
Sadly, the plural of apocalypse is simply apocalypses.
Why would a plural even need to exist? I mean, there’s only one apocalypse right? And thank God that I’m not the only one thinking that the kid won’t make it out of second grade. I didn’t want to say anything, but since the world is coming to and end, we might as well admit it.
P.S.
Bacon
That’s why it’s a great line. When you deal with Buffy the Vampire Slayer who prevents multiple apocalypses, you need that plural.
Bonus offer for any LMM readers who buy a copy of my book “Mountains, Meadows, and Chasms” – buy the Kindle version for $3.49 and I’ll throw in a PDF version for free. The PDF version does NOT have DRM, but I do ask that you share with no more than 5 friends, as a courtesy to the author.
Just forward a copy of your order summary to me at [email protected] and I’ll reply with the PDF as an attachment (1.6 MB).
A screen shot of the relevant portion of the email will suffice, if you’re not comfortable sending the Amazon email.
You can find Mountains, Meadows, and Chasms here:
http://www.amazon.com/Mountains-Meadows-Chasms-stories-ebook/dp/B004OC085W/
Kosmo,
You are cracking me up here.
I like the idea of sipping a Jack and Coke on the beach. Unfortunately, it’s illegal to drink alcohol on the beach where I live. Maybe that will change after the apocolypse.
I had a friend who sold his house before Y2K and bought a bunch of gold and canned goods. After the apocolypse was averted (nothing happened), he sold all of the gold and bought another house. He’s probably still eating the Spam and beans though.
Hey, if I’m cracking you up, at least download the sample version of the book from Amazon – nothing to lose :) Only a few of the stories involve cannibalism.
Ah, yes, Buying gold for the apocalypse. If we were in a true end-of-the-world type of situation, you can keep the gold – I’ll take the food.
Thanks for the good laugh! Sadly there are lots of people who live like that anyway, looming apocalypse or not. You got me thinking about the Coke and pop rocks though…
Kosmo, I have to remember to never read your site for financial advice!
Just curious, what type of wine would you recommend drinking with your homo sapien filets?… (lol)!
Oh, I’ve tried the Pop rocks and Coke mixed, and it’s true! I’m living proof that mixing the two will kill you.
Thanks for the great laughs!
@ Donkey – yeah, it’s definitely scary how many people live this way anyway. I grew up in very much a working class farm family. There was always food on the table, but never many luxuries. That kind of stuck with me. That’s not to say that I don’t splurge from time to time (MLB Extra Innings is my guilty pleasure, although I get a ton of use out of it), but we have 10+ year old TV sets, I drive a 13 year old Ford Contour (runs great!), etc.
@ Casper – I believe the esteemed Dr. Lecter suggested some fava beans and a nice Chianti.