guilt, resentment, anger, love…. I’m sorry but your mother will wind up on the dole when all her support people die before her and you cut off the money to her before you go broke and I wouldn’t blame you. Then, people who have worked hard and saved all their lives will pay for her damned health care and a retirement home. NOT YOUR FAULT.

Nicole…. get a grip. The ONLY reason yours and a couple other’s parents here had you was so that you could support them in their old age after they have lived the sweet life. You say your dad was successful but when you owe more than you make that’s not success, that’s debt. Good luck. I know its hard because believe it or not I’m a Christian but I’m not a sucker.

Oxmon…. she never mentioned one thing about being loved and cared for. And DUH… good old Mom DID throw the money down the drain unless you call throwing it at her rich acquaintances to impress them a GOOD thing. They weren’t her friends and she darned well knew it. But, she put them above her own child. PATHETIC. And, where do you come off chiding her? You must be the thieving mother. Change your handle to Oxmoron.

Kimdar… you are one smart lady.

To any youngsters out there, yes… parents used to send their children to college. They worked hard and saved their money for that reason. My parents did and so did most of the parents we knew. It was called “The American Dream”. They also paid off their mortgages, cars, etc., and still had money to retire on at a decent age when they could still take nice trips without being wheeled around in a wheelchair. ( Contrary to what you’ve been hearing, 60 is NOT the new 40. Sixty is 60 and it feels like 60. )

Now… some kids made good enough grades that they got scholarships and saved their parents a lot of money and that is what you should aim for if you’re, as I said, a youngster. This would save everyone, including American taxpayers, a lot of money should you decide to borrow your tuition from the government which as you should know, is everybody here. So, work hard and study hard and remember, not everyone needs to go to a 4+ year college to be a success. You just be responsible, kind, and industrious and you’ll do just fine.

Oh, and anyone reading this thread and thinking that the old folks can’t spend money if they can’t leave the house, think again. The shopping networks such as QVC are a nightmare if mom or pop has access to even one credit card. They are perfectly capable of instructing the delivery guy not to ring the bell… just leave the boxes by the door so the spouse doesn’t know about all the purchases. Yep, they’ll do it. ;)

It sounds spoiled but it is hard to go from a childhood where all you know is plenty (and assume everyone else is like you) to having nothing as a teenager, to working 5 days a week and weekends in high school just to have money to buy clothes, go out with friends etc.

Now I am in my 30s, happily married with 2 little kids, and after having bailed out my parents twice in the past so that they could at least afford a down payment on a house I have now learned that they have mortgaged their home away to nothing and can’t afford the mortgage payments (how they got a mortgage that has a payment of $3000/month when they only earn a combined total of $2000/month from the government is beyond me). They are in their 70s and are highly unlikely to work again. They max out store credit cards to pay their mortgage and are over $50K in debt (not counting the $600K mortgage).

My advice to anyone reading this who is around college age (early 20s) is: get a student loan. Move out of the house and get an education, working part-time to help offset the student debt. In summers, get the highest paying job you can, even if it’s not the “fun” job all your friends are doing. Upon graduation, get a good job, pay off your loans, and take care of yourself. DO NOT help your parents. They are not your responsibility. If they start to think they can rely on you, they will dig their hole again and again and never take responsibility for their actions. Every time I helped them I thought they would change and they assured me they would and now I realize, they can’t and they never will.

If it gets to the point my parents are at now, when they are about to lose it all for good (no assets left, too old to ever again earn decent income), you can decide upon your capacity to help them at that point. I am wrestling with this decision now. I think the only way I can safely help them is to take over the management of their money going forward. I also think I will have to let them go bankrupt first so that I don’t have to worry that they will get more credit cards and rack them up again.

The hardest part is the emotional connection, because my parents were good parents in every other way (no physical abuse, were there for us emotionally, etc etc.) I would love nothing more than for them to have a close relationship with their grandchildren but I have no idea how that will be possible when they try to make me feel guilty for having a nice life and putting my own children first when they have nothing.

Anyway I wish anyone with this problem the best of luck. Thanks again for posting about this and for talking about it because it is so reassuring to know we are not alone. And one more thing: this is their shame, not ours. Don’t be ashamed to talk about this with friends. I did and I felt so much better. Not to mention, I found out a couple friends were going through similar situations. It is not as uncommon as you might think.

When you have parents that promise to pay college and it is ALL that you dreamed of since you were a little kid, it can’t be really damaging. I am sorry but college information in 1980′s was not as available as it is now. I didn’t know where to go or even that financial aid was avialable when I was 17. Besides that I was promised that it would be paid up until I was supposed to move into my dorm room.

I did finish my degree and I am now 39 still paying school loans. I am the only one in my family with a college degree, that owns a home on my own as a single woman, and that has not filed bankrupcy!

I’m trying to help them, but they won’t listen. All they want is to borrow money for a towing truck. My dad wants to borrow money that is saved for my future child, money for a new suv for the baby, money for our new house. Why can’t my dad get a regular job? Why can’t my family move to a small apartment instead of paying for a house where my mom blew away the 300,000 equity. Why is he saving himself for this non existent 400,000 contract? Why can’t he understand that no one is building. If they’re really struggling then Why can’t my parents sell their grand piano, fancy furniture or their rolex watches? Why is my little sister not have a part time job? Why is my dad paying full price tuition? Why does my little sister have a $500 shopping spree for christmas? Why can’t my dad just get a regular low paying job and live in an apartment. Why are they trying to save a house with negative equity that they can’t afford. Why am i the second person that they’re trying to borrow money. If bankruptcy wont stop them from borrowing money then what will?

My parents divorced in my early teens. Money was a big issue amongst a litany of other things. They both emotionally put me in the middle and as an adult I now understand that how they handled it was about as selfish as it gets. In my late teens I stopped speaking with my father. For better or worse it was just too much drama.

I went to college, but didn’t want to. I was well aware of the fact that no one could afford it. Especially the big private, expensive college, my mother insisted on. I dropped out after a couple years because I was determined to figure it out on my own and stop the loans. It was paid for almost solely in loans. What I stupidly didn’t do at that age was file away all the promissory notes and get a handle on the bills that would be coming once I left. So the craziness begins whereby my mother decides to hide (literally) college bills and when confronted acted crazy and ran away with the bills which she couldn’t pay and some of which were in my name. I eventually called the college, got the loans in order and prioritized by interest rate. This is after my credit went into the tank. I started paying those in my name and paid them off in time. My mother paid her loans which yes, were for my education. I feel guilty about this.

However, somehow, and no one remembers why, two of them fell through the cracks. My mother got collections calls at some point and paid them less than the interest for ten years or so. Ten years later she missed some payments and they got a hold of me. I got a lawyer because they wouldn’t settle, they wouldn’t even give me paperwork on what I owed, and it was awful and probably illegally handled. I cashed out my Roth IRA (with a tax penalty) and used whatever saving I had in cash. I paid the 18K.

Now right when I left college my mother won a law suite against her land lord because she fell. She never owned a home, and even with all the college debt (probably some credit card and no other savings at all, she somehow got a mortgage. Albeit it was one with mortgage insurance and so on. I lived with her at this time. She purchased the house, moved out when I wasn’t there, and I came home to an empty apartment. I moved out once the month was over and found my own very small but safe place.

My mother had a good job for the first time, a house, and her daughter was an adult, so she spent. She decorated the house fabulously. I think she thought it was an investment.

So now to the good news. I am now in my early 30s, married and with a very good job. Have 401K and definitely an emergency fund. For better or worse I am obsessed with keeping a job and having money. Whenever I am with my mother (she lives about 1 hour away) I pick up any bills and take her shopping on purpose to do so. However, she never calls me, never comes to my house, and never comes to any holidays (I tend to go to my husbands family).

Here is the bad news. Over two years ago (maybe even three) my mother lost her job. She didn’t tell me and only told me when she completely ran out of money and was afraid to speak with her sister. She had no savings, couldn’t find a job apparently for years, and raked up 20+K debt. She can’t pay her mortgage, my aunt gives her 1K/month now, she has a pension of 600/ month, she’s finally found work (at lower but decent pay), my uncle gives her money occasionally, and I’ve given her 5K at this point, told her to pay xyz but she pays abc. With the credit card debt the whole is deep now. I have advised her to sell the house. My aunt is in her late sixties, my mother is in her mid 50s, and while she doesn’t like the idea my mother can live with my aunt for free. It’s their childhood/ mortage free home. By the way my aunt lives near me and after years of my Aunt giving to her it may be nice for my mother to be with my Aunt. If my mother moves there, and my aunt passes away she would probably inherit the house- for free! If she doesn’t my uncle will sell it a divide up some inheretance to nieces.

I’ve told my mother she has no retirement and the importance. She doesn’t seem to accept this as reality or thinks somehow I will take care of everything or she can work forever. I’ve told her to sell her stuff and that she’s got to get the credit cards under control. The furniture she purchased and all the decorations. She hasn’t and won’t. Apparently she wants to be able to entertain which is funny because she barely knows anyone and never entertains. She lives on her own but I guess stuff is more important.

I don’t want to leave my mother without support but I don’t want her to take my money, leaving me at risk, so she can live in a fancy house (which I don’t) and pretend everything is great. Not to mention what do I do when this happens all over again because she simply can’t work and has no choice but to retire.

My story is quite the same, although has a few parts different.

Parents should never, ever, take money from their child’s college fund if it is put there by someone else, then for the mother to refuse to pay the bills, that is pretty ridiculous.

Also, cme I believe said that the mother was hard working.. Perhaps she was, but she also spent lavishly it seems, and was not very interested in bettering her children.

Stories like this upset me, and honestly if you have not been through something like this, I understand if you are unable to comprehend the repercussions of a parents financial actions, or lack thereof.

There’s one thing that you neglected: big portion of the gift money you received (for your baptism, first communion) are from your mother’s friends at church. It’s exactly because of how your mother befriended with them that you had such opportunities. Your mother must have given their children similar amount of gifts (or even more) for their baptisms, first communions, etc. So don’t think you earned these gifts and nothing to do with your mother.

Besides that, your mother’s social activity must have also brought you many other non-financial benefits. So she didn’t just throw the money down the drain or just for her own enjoyment, you are one of the beneficiary.
BTW, didn’t your mother’s 50 friends give you gifts and their blessings for your wedding? Your mother spent her 401k, and you got to keep the gifts. So don’t complain about that.

I agree that your parents are responsible for their financial difficulties now. But as a child, please count all the love and care they show you throughout your life, and try your best to look after them at their old age.

My mother is a spender, she has never saved. And has excuse after excuse and blames it on whatever happens to be convenient.

When her husband retired over 25 years ago, he had to take a partial lump sum to pay off her credit card, something like $40,000. He could never get her to quit spending.
When he died, she was set up for a modest living. She sold the home and I do not know where $100,000 went.
She remarried and after her husband died, she has an annuity, a paid for home, and car and no debt. She lives a lavish and more lavish lifestyle. Parties, dinners, lunches… never ending spending. She will be broke before she dies. It is amazing what people think they need. Closets of cloths and shoes… some never worn. New this, new that. It never satisfies.
It is difficult to watch all the waste.