Poor Money Choices Ruined My Parents’ Life |
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[Below is a guest post from my wife. I had tried to get her to write this story for more than two years now. I imagine it was very difficult for her to write. The title is mine, which I thought was a little more catchy than "A history of growing up with no emergency fund and financially irresponsible parents." I've done a little light editing, but the story is hers.]
My parents divorced in 1990. They were married for 18 years. While Lazy Man and I were engaged he gave me the book Rich Dad, Poor Dad
Here are the milestones of their financial life:
- July 1972 - My parents moved out of their parents' house and into an apartment in one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in the Greater Boston area. At the time, my grandfather's real estate company owned the building and my father and mother lived there rent-free in exchange for being superintendents. There was no written contract signed and the compensation was free rent only, no pay. My dad worked during the day as a groundskeeper for the local playgrounds and occassionally pumping gas. My mom was a secretary. They did not have a checking account. My mom paid all the bills with money orders.
- December 1974 - My mother stopped working to become a stay at home mom. My father gave her $140.00 a week in cash for groceries and incidentals.
- 1979 - Dad was pumping gas when became friendly with the priests at the local church. They invited our family to a spaghetti supper. We went and my mother met all the neighbors and became friendly which them. The people they met are highly educated: engineers, doctors, nurses, rocket scientists, and professors at private universities. My mom flourished in this crowd and joins the parish council and the hospitality committee. My father, a high school dropout, who was illiterate until 1986 never went back to the church. My dad never went to the parties and never went to mass. He simply claimed that "he is too stupid." In the meantime, my mom went to lavish parties, and drank from fine crystal. Her friends got mink coats for Christmas. My mother naturally wanted the same. She invited her friends over for a party and spends $500 to give them the . She asks my dad for an 1100 mink coat. It doesn't end, if it wasn't the mink coat, it was something else high end. My dad sees the neighbors with high end electronics and cars. He just goes out and buys them without consulting my mother. This includes a boat for my dad enjoys fresh water fishing.
- September 1985 - My mother got in a car accident. This lead to a law suit. My parents had no emergency fund to pay the legal and medical fees. My mother went to the bank and closed my sister and my college fund to pay the fees. This savings account was started by my grandmother. It had all the money I got from our baptism and our first communion - a couple thousand dollars. My sister and I would never see this money again.
- Early 1987 - My parents constantly fought about money and spending. I remember one case where my mother bought perfume, cigarettes, and other personal items. My dad didn't approve of this use of "his money."
- Late 1987 - My mom decided to quit smoking to help with costs and go back to work as a secretary. My sister and I became "latchkey kids."
- The fights about money did not get better and became verbally abusive. The culminated when my mother got a speeding ticket. With no emergency fund, a $600 ticket is a lot of money.
- 1990 - My parents separated in 1990. My dad was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and depression. The court ordered my dad to give my mother $160 a week for my sister and I, who will start college in 1993. He routinely forgot to send the check and my mother had to get his work to send her the money directly. We stayed in the apartment and my mom, my sister, and I took over the maintence duties. Later, NBC would approach my mom about doing a sitcom based on a mother and two daughters managing an apartment My mom was too self-conscious about her writing and turned the offer down.
- Late 1990 - My dad moved back in with this parents. He bought a conversion van with a VCR. Over the next 10 years he moved in with three women... and bought a timeshare with one of them.
- 1995 - My college sent a $1900 bill for tuition. My mother was not prepared for it and states, "You can't go back, I don't have the money." She has a condo filled with decorative items for catalogues. At Christmas each year, she buys multiple gifts for all friends and hosts a party with gifts for all guests. She borrowed the money for my college from a friend. I worked two summer jobs to pay the friend back.
- 1999 - I am have financial problems myself. My externship for school required you to have a car to get to your extern site (something they conveniently neglected to mention). I asked my dad (since he was only giving me $80 a week for child support) if he could help me with gas for the car. He gave me his Exxon credit card. When the bill came, I realized he was not paying the balance on the card. I later found out he wasn't paying the balance of any of his bills - including his car payments on the conversion van.
- 2001 - My dad declares bankruptcy. My aunt and I had a conversation regarding this. We had no idea how this could have happened. He has never had to pay rent. He didn't go on luxury vacations. He never helped with college expenses. He bought a lot of items that depreciate value like cars and boats. My grandmother told me that my parents were "big spenders" and was upset about their lack of saving.
- 2007 - For my wedding to Lazy Man, my mother borrowed $5000 from her 401k plan so her 50 friends from the church could attend the wedding. Lazy Man and I strongly discouraged this. Our theory was that if you can't afford it, then shouldn't go. We wanted a small wedding anyways. However, since she was invited to their kids' weddings at the Ritz Carlton it would be social suicide if she did not reciprocate.
Current Day
My Dad: When you are married more than ten years your spouse is entitled to a percentage of your retirement if your spouse doesn't remarry. My mother has not remarried. She has a boyfriend, but is too set in her ways to remarry. My dad does not want my mother to get 18% of his retirement. His answer is to "work until he dies."
My Mom: She is also worried about retiremennt. Borrowing from her 401k for our wedding doesn't help matters. I told her she would have to sell her condo which is now worth 3 times what she bought it for. She put my grandparents' house in her name. When my grandfather dies, she will have that money - at least $200,000. Today, my mother still has no emergency fund.
My feeling today is that Lazy Man and I should not be involved in helping them. They made the bed... they should lie in it. If you couldn't tell, I am extremely bitter about the college fund wipeout and my dad's lack of support during my college years. Maybe time will heal that wound, but there's always going to be scar in my eyes.
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Wow! This is close to my parents’ story, but they stayed married because my dad didn’t realize (until now) how my mom had put them in debt. My dad is functionally illiterate, and he never chose to try to learn to read.
I’m in the process of getting them a $100k mortgage to consolidate their debt so they can live off of their limited income. The really sad part is that my mom has terminal cancer, and once I had to handle their bills, we found out how bad the monthly cashflow is.
We have helped them financially for the last two months, and I hope once the new mortgage is in place, they’ll be ok. My dad isn’t a spendthrift, and since Mom isn’t able to go shopping, their finances should be manageable.
It sounds like your wife’s parents are younger than mine. Do whatever you can to help them see the light before they have an extended or terminal illness. It’s no fun telling your dad not to buy groceries until after the 15th.
Why be bitter against your hard working parents they did not owe you an a college education and support beyond 18 which is a legal adult. I am a single mother of 2 and I expect my children to get college loans, work and apply for finical aid to pay for college
Thanks for writing this – it must have been really difficult. I can only imagine having to experience this while growing up.
@cme – I don’t think her bitterness is entirely rooted in financials. “Lack of support” can mean more than just monetary support.
Wow, I know it took guts to write this. I’m just confused on this part “My college sent a $1900 bill for tuition. My mother was not prepared for it ”
Was she required to pay it? If you are in college no one is obligated to pay your bill but you.
It seems like your parents worked hard but had no direction with money. Which is the average American. Lighten up, you made it. Move on
You can help them by teaching them how to manage money. However, giving them money is not really helping
I think the college issue was that my wife did have the money, from her grandmother, but it was taken away from her in the car accident due to the lack of an emergency fund.
I think one can fairly fault her mother for not paying that money back.
Also my wife couldn’t work for the money for college because of the necessity to do the maintenance for rent.
Also though I’m sure many others will disagree, since the money for college typically can’t be afforded by someone 18 (they don’t have the time in the in the workforce) I do feel it is the parents’ responsibility.
In my wife’s case, she had already maxed out the typical avenues: loans, scholarships, work, etc. Finally the only option was to go with the military, which I have mentioned many times is an organization she still works for.
Great Story! I feel like I am looking into the future and it scares the sh!t out of me (my parents not me).
I disagree with the above commenters – I bet it was one of those situations where mom and dad said, “don’t worry about college we got it taken care of….”
wow, great story. flesh it out a bit and you could write your own version of “rich dad, poor dad”!!!
I wonder why people who basically working in blue collar jobs were living in a wealthy part of town. I guess helping them out worked against them.
You are correct that the wounds will heal, but the scar will be there forever.
I had something similar happen with family members, and I still marvel at their ability to shake off the guilt like nothing happened. Then again, I gave the loan and they did the spending.
You are correct that the wounds will heal, but the scar will be there forever.
I had something similar happen with family members, and I still marvel at their ability to shake off the guilt like nothing happened. Then again, I gave the loan and they did the spending.
P.S. – Sorry, forgot to tell you great post!
By her story you can clearly see that her mother worked hard all her life and did what she could. I think she should thank her for raising her in a good neighborhood, and doing what she could to give her what she did with what little means she had. Her mother needed money due to misfortune, so she took from her college fund she did not just go out and spend it foolishly. Your wife married well, has a good job, and does not need her mothers money now that her mother may have it to pay her back for this fund. Life is too short to let money issues scar you or make you bitter when family ( who did the best that they could) is concerned.
I guess I would that the mother didn’t do the best job of living within her means. She has been (and still is) caught up in a lifestyle that she simply can’t afford.
The specific money from the college fund wasn’t spent foolishly (as it was for medical bills and lawyers). However, she had the means to have an emergency fund in place and instead spent it on trinkets for the home (a doll collection comes to mind, but I’m sure wife can come up with more).
Unfortunately this is a theme that I think will be come more prevalent over the next few decades as the baby-boomers retire and we’ll find out who can afford to and who cannot.
My grandparents lived frugally, I think due in part to having lived through the Great Depression. I sometimes feel resentment towards my parents for not having saved for retirement the way that their parents did. My parents are aging and I am filled with angst because I know they aren’t prepared for it.
How does one deal with seemingly financially-illiterate parents? The role reversal from them being the teacher and worrying about raising their children to the children knowing much more about the subject than their parents and doing the worrying for them. Not an easy one.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Even without your own commentary, you really don’t have to read between the lines of the story. The headline should really have been, “How My Parents Poor Money Choices Ruined MY Life.”
That may be the way your wife feels, but despite the parents’ lack of $ management skills, I don’t think any child should count college tuition or a wedding as an entitlement. It’s great for wealthier parents to foot those bills if they can, but obviously this wasn’t the case here.
Like anything else in life, if you really can’t afford it, you shouldn’t do it. College included. She could always have gone to school p/t, nights and worked days. Many people earn their degrees that way, or at least they used to.
I don’t think anyone counted a wedding as entitlement. We paid for our families and our own friends. We let our families pay for their friends.
So when her mother wanted to invite 50 people I had never met before (and many my wife hadn’t either), we thought it was only fair that this didn’t become our financial hardship. Her father added another 30 people (I think).
In contrast my mother invited one friend – who couldn’t actually make the wedding.
If you’ve planned a wedding, you know that inviting 80 more people is a big expense.
I fully believe that college shouldn’t fit in the “if you really can’t afford it, you shouldn’t do it.” Your Netflix account? Yes. College? No.
From the context it seems to me that the mother made a commitment to pay the tuition. If you commit to pay your childs tuition and then you reneg on that when the bill comes then that is unfair to the child. If you can’t pay then don’t offer to do so.
I’d be much happier if my parents said “you’re on your own” instead of saying “we’ll pay” and then failing to do so when the bill came. Thats the difference between honesty and negligent.
@ Claudia,
Call me old fashioned, but I don’t think it’s kosher to take money out of an account that wasn’t created by you or for you. So I really don’t think your comment is fair.
Lazy Man’s mother in law may have been strapped for cash at the time, but I don’t see any justification (other than starvation, medical emergency, etc) for taking money out of her children’s college fund so she could spend on her own problems.
In my humble opinion, if your grandparents give you something it should be YOUR entitlement, and not an emergency fund for your spendthrift parents.
Sounds like a tough childhood! I can sympathize with some of the bitter feelings, and I understand that writing this must have been very tough. But I will also repeat what some others have said:
College is your wife’s responsibility, not her parents’. There are plenty of loans available, and a college student should have no problem making $5k over a summer, and a bit less than that while working during school.
Your wedding is your responsibility. Why invite the family friends? That’s your choice, not your parents’. At our wedding we invited 30 people, all but about 10 were family. My wife comes from a large family, and many of her distant family members were not invited. It was *our* wedding.
I don’t mean for that to sound harsh. Clearly your wife’s parents did not act responsibly or set a good financial example for her. It is to her credit that she recognizes their mistakes and is striving not to repeat them.
Thank you for sharing your story.
It looks like the only people that will really “get it” are the ones that have been through a similar experience.
Anyone else saying “your parents don’t owe you a college fund” are probably those parents that have not provided their kids with one.
I am not saying parents owe their kids a college fund or a wedding, but this story is about parents being financially irresponsible when they could have been better focused on their finances and have made better choices that wouldn’t have negatively affected their kids.
I am still bitter at my dad for taking the little money gifts ($10) my grandfather would give me, as soon as we would leave my grandparents’ house, to pay for gas! I don’t believe a parent should do that. And yes I’m still bitter about it (sue me).
One thing is to be poor with nobody there to help you, another thing is to not wanting to see your irresponsible and selfish ways.
“Sounds like a tough childhood” said Louis ND she lived in a good neighborhood her parents weren’t crack addicts she did not have a tough childhood
Sounds like this is the other side of the coining regarding surrounding yourself with successful people to ensure success – whcih you wrote about a while ago. http://www.lazymanandmoney.com/friends-influence-and-money-a-two-way-street/
I never felt that my parents owed me an education, because it was obviously not going to be possible – they barely earned a living farming on a very small scale, and the money just wasn’t there (especially since they were at retirement age by the time I graduated high school). I don’t have any hard feelings about it, and think that I probably worked harder in college because I knew the money was coming out of my pocket.
Having said that, not replacing the money in the college funds definitely seems like an interesting choice of priorities – indeed, you would think this would have a higher priority than a doll collection.
For the record, my parents (divorced) contributed little to my college education becus they simply didnt’ have it. I worked all 4 years while i was in school, plus summers and the rest i paid for through grants and loans. it can be done.
Elisa, I can’t relate to Lazy Man’s wife’s situation entirely, because I came from an upper middle class family.
But I still don’t think her parents owe her a college fund. I’m not a parent, but if/when I am one, I do not plan to pay for my children’s college either.
My parents didn’t pay for my school, I paid for it. I worked two jobs in the summers and I worked about 20 hours/week during school. And I still graduated with about $40K of debt. My sister joined the army to pay for her education.
My dad told me that after graduation I was welcome to move back home. He’d charge me three times the going rate for rent. That was his way of saying that in his view I was now financially on my own. Not having that safety net forced me to create my own safety net. My step-father was less strict with his kids, and they all have moved home at various points during their adult life, sucking on the parental teat when necessary.
I *do* think that it is inexcusable for a parent to take gifts that are given to children. Your father should not have taken the money your grandfather gave you. Lazy Man’s wife’s mother should not have taken the money her grandmother left for her. That is absolutely unacceptable.
No one should expect their parents to pay for college. BUT parents shouldn’t be taking money out of a college fun from other people either. If I found out my family were taking out from the college fund money I had sent for their kids I’d be mucho unhappy. And probably demand it be paid back because I had sent it for the kids, not the parents.
I talked with my wife a little more on this topic (she’s currently on a business trip without Internet access), and it’s a longer story than it was presented here. My interpretation is the following factors played into her feelings on the $1900 for college.
- It was a one-time $1900 that was unexpected by my wife and her mother. For some reason they didn’t understand that you have to pay every semester so this was a surprise bill. Mid-semester loans and scholarships were impossible to come by – she tried. There is some blame for my wife not knowing the billing policy, but all of this information was sent by my college to my mother. It could be a scenario where my wife would have never seen it, if her mother didn’t share it.
- Upon borrowing the money from the family friend, she did work two jobs in that summer until the friend was paid off. Her work during school supported herself during school.
- The rest of the years, with better planning, they had more loans, financial aid, etc. This financial aid, eventually led to her joining the military. (Louis ND, she’s not much different from your sister).
- While Cat mentioned, “her parents weren’t crack addicts”, one should know that all things are relative. I think the environment that she grew up in should be considered. If you grew up with all the riches in the world and then had to get by on a $25/hour wage, it would be quite tough for that person. My wife’s environment was one where everyone around her was given cars, given college, etc. They never had to think about how a speeding ticket meant eating Ramen that week.
- The $1900 underscores the important message she was trying to convey. It’s my fault, but I seem to have edited a lot of that message out when I changed the title from her “A history of growing up with no emergency fund and financially irresponsible parents” to my “Poor Money Choices Ruined My Parents’ Life.” An emergency fund would have made this situation much better. We’ve continued to add to our emergency fund for just situation. It might even be too large.
- Lastly, there is the fact that the mother essentially stole money from her which would have solved this problem and didn’t repay it.
Thank you so much for sharing a story that must have been painful to write let alone live through. I don’t blame you for being angry about your parents for not supporting you in college. But, it seems you have risen above your circumstances and maybe sharing your story leads other to make different choices with their money. You expect parents to be the example but sometimes they aren’t. Our only insurance against making the same mistakes is awareness and a willing to live honestly. You’ve obviously chosen this path.
Jerry
Thank you for sharing your story. You’ve lived through some difficult experiences. I’m really not sure where some of the harsher comments are coming from – sure, if there’s no money it is reasonable to have a child work for school and to tell them that is the plan. But in this case, it seems like there was money (her college fund with her first communion money, etc), yet because of her parent’s inability to PLAN and extravegant spending, she was left out in the cold and clearly made to feel like her needs and dreams where afterthoughts. I would be a little resentful. Are mom’s mink coats, parties, and trinkets more important than rebuilding her child’s college education fund? Is dad’s boat and timeshare with his latest girlfriend more important than rebuilding his child’s college education fund? Also, living in a house where there is constant tension and verbal abuse is very, very, very hard. (And no, I don’t want to compare whether this is better than living with crack addicts; it’s still hard). All in all, I find this to be a sad story – and one that some ability and willingness to plan, read, and prioritize could have averted. Best of luck to you as you plan your life. And time does heal wounds… I’m got scars that are mostly healed – when touched they ache still with a tinge of resentment and, this is new, compassion.
Well, no one is “owed” a college education, however, 1) Lazy’s wife was given funds for hers that were re-appropriated and never repaid due to MIL’s lifestyle choices and 2) wife and SIL were contributing their work (teens doing the building supervisor work so Mom can live rent free) to the household when they could have been working to earn money for their educations. Re; tough childhoods – Lazy’s wife had to be the adult in her family, because clearly neither of her parents were stepping into that role (see no. 2 above) and both appear to be pretty selfish; maybe there wasn’t substance abuse or physical abuse, but there is definitely a tough environment to deal with…and to overcome. I’m glad Lazy’s wife didn’t take her mother’s penchant for living higher than her wage as ‘normal’ – she appears to have had enough better role models to take after and that is a blessing.
Lazy – Thank you for sharing this with us – I think it is wonderful that you and your wife are in a good position to learn and not fall into the mistakes of the older generation (change your family tree!).
Just wanted to give some positive reinforcement after some pretty harsh comments. The college fund was LM’s wife’s money, period, given as a gift from the grandmother to the wife for things like baptism and communion. The parents should NOT have used it for expenses, unless some effort was made to pay it back before other non-essentials. I actually don’t believe it’s OK for the mom to have drained the account in any case, but people aren’t perfect.
The $1900 surprise tuition sounds like it was handled in the best way possible at the time, but I don’t think your wife should feel bad that this upset her, especially if she watched her mother buy many Christmas presents and host parties at the same time. It must be heartbreaking to see that your parents valued material things over fulfilling a commitment to their children. It was probably just another instance where something had been promised and not delivered. Whether the promise was “deserved” or not is immaterial.
For all the difficulty it caused her at the time, it sounds like a good example of learning by experience — finding out not only the value of good friends willing to help, but also strongly reinforcing the need to plan ahead for what you don’t expect, not just what you do expect. Sounds like you guys have learned those lessons well and are committed to living your lives on a different path.
To respond to Cat, no, the wife’s situation is not the same as growing up with parents addicted to crack. However, that doesn’t make her reaction to her life experience invalid. A child of crack addicts in America has a much better life than that of a crippled child in the poorest regions of India, or a refugee child living in a camp in Darfur. The wife didn’t wallow in pity, she worked hard to change her life for the better. The child of a crack addict has a different set of circumstances to overcome, but that doesn’t mean that they are the only ones to feel like other people’s actions that are out of their control have adversely affected their lives.
I know a very wealthy young man who walked into his mother’s bedroom because he was worried about her, and found her lying on the bed with a self-inflicted gunshot wound. She was wearing every single fur she owned and every single piece of jewelry, and nothing else. All the wealth in the world couldn’t give him a functional and healthy mother. Can we not have enough empathy for both the children of crack addicts and the guy who found his mother dead and nude except the furs and jewelry?
Wow. I can imagine that being extraordinarily difficult to write. A sad story…
Thanks for sharing your story.
A very wise woman said “once you have children, you give up the right to be selfish.” This seems very much a story of parents who are self-centered, and not a story about whether or not a parent should pay for college!
For contrast, my parents struggled their whole lives with money while raising 6 kids. One time during an especially long layoff, they simply could not come up with the $100 needed for the mortgage payment. They approached me, age 10, and asked if it would be ok if they cashed the savings bonds I received as a baby. I agreed. Over the following years, they bought me 3 or 4 savings bonds to try to make up for it, and I had to reassure them on numerous occasions that they didn’t need to feel guilty about it because I was happy to help.
I am so sorry. That sounds like such a terribly tough situation for you and your sister. You have every right to feel sad, bitter, all of it.
On the plus side, it sounds like you and your husband are determined not to let the same things happen in your life and marriage, which is great!
Its brave to share your personal story, so thank you.
I see why it has taken your wife so long to write this story.
I agree that kids should not expect parents to pay for their college education but parents should not take money given to the kids from someone else.
What a candid account: I appreciated you posting it. I was floored at how long your mom made the effort to keep up with the Joneses. I hope many folks read it and instill in them strong lessons in money and finance.
Thanks for sharing!
Because what I’m going to say is tangential the original article, I want to comment on Lazy Man’s wife’s story first: it’s sad, and I’m glad she posted it. It helps to understand where people have come from, and what happens to people (and their children!) when there’s this level of irresponsibility.
Now… Re: Do parents owe their kids a college education? I’ve gone back and forth on this issue. It’s a tough one, and no one has all the answers. My parents sure didn’t pay for mine – a combination of factors saw to that. But in the end, I do actually think it is the parent’s responsibility to help if they can at all afford to, because the federal financial aid system in the United States is set up to expect them to. It’s extremely difficult for anyone under 24 to get the financial aid they might need in the absence of parental support. Yes, joining the military is an option… actually, it’s one of the only options. (The other two options are to get a heterosexual marriage or have a baby… or to wait until you turn 24.) So I have little tolerance for parents who are both unhelpful and combative when it comes to financing a college education in this country.
Everyone has their own story. I grew up in a poor to average neighborhood in Brooklyn as a kid. My mom was a stay at home and my dad worked. Through the years, he received promotions and more money. In this instance, he was the spender and my mom was the saver. Upon the start of High School, my dad received a job offer in Japan where he earned apx $250k a year. We went on lavish vacations, went to private school, belonged to the American club and other fancy living (to include a house with a back yard in Central Tokyo). Four years later his job ended. He never did get another job that remotely came close to that one. He also didn’t save a dime for my college. We moved to Scottsdale, AZ for my senior year. We continued to live like we did in Japan. A year later, just prior to my enrolling at Arizona State, I was told there was no money to live let alone college. We sold practically everything we owned. Two years later I joined the military. Three years later my parents separated and never remarried or divorced. Five years later I received a full ride scholarship for my final two years of college. Seven years later my dad passed away. My mother now lives off of his social security at a condo that she pays a monthly mortgage on. I worked through all of that and learned how to handle money. This is not without my own issues (two failed marriages and a huge expense/loss from both). I am now in my 40’s and take care of my mom as she had a stroke as well as numerous other ailments. While life isn’t always the greatest, you learn to come back from that. As for my personal life, I think I’m doing ok. My salary is well above the average american (not to mention I still have a job). I work at a great company. I have remarried (my third and last!) I also used the military to pay for most of my MBA (that is completed). I have two wonderful children. I know that when I turn 60, regardless of the economy, I will be able to retire with no worries. I will tell anyone that regardless of your past, it is up to YOU to determine your future.
My husband’s father left and my MIL was able to keep the house (with some help from her relatives.) However, in recent retirement years she has made bad decisions and still owes about $60,000 on her house and she is 80 years old. Now his brothers (and none of the sisters) are “coming to the rescue” with $$ to pay for lawn service. $$ for food/medication – that is one thing – but $$ for a “luxury” that your kids pay for? Nope.
This reminds me of my mother. It makes me sad and angry because it is very selfish.
My mother is a spender, she has never saved. And has excuse after excuse and blames it on whatever happens to be convenient.
When her husband retired over 25 years ago, he had to take a partial lump sum to pay off her credit card, something like $40,000. He could never get her to quit spending.
When he died, she was set up for a modest living. She sold the home and I do not know where $100,000 went.
She remarried and after her husband died, she has an annuity, a paid for home, and car and no debt. She lives a lavish and more lavish lifestyle. Parties, dinners, lunches… never ending spending. She will be broke before she dies. It is amazing what people think they need. Closets of cloths and shoes… some never worn. New this, new that. It never satisfies.
It is difficult to watch all the waste.
Thanks for sharing. It’s a sad story, but I’m glad that you have learned the important lessons and are married to an understanding and financially responsible husband now.
There’s one thing that you neglected: big portion of the gift money you received (for your baptism, first communion) are from your mother’s friends at church. It’s exactly because of how your mother befriended with them that you had such opportunities. Your mother must have given their children similar amount of gifts (or even more) for their baptisms, first communions, etc. So don’t think you earned these gifts and nothing to do with your mother.
Besides that, your mother’s social activity must have also brought you many other non-financial benefits. So she didn’t just throw the money down the drain or just for her own enjoyment, you are one of the beneficiary.
BTW, didn’t your mother’s 50 friends give you gifts and their blessings for your wedding? Your mother spent her 401k, and you got to keep the gifts. So don’t complain about that.
I agree that your parents are responsible for their financial difficulties now. But as a child, please count all the love and care they show you throughout your life, and try your best to look after them at their old age.
This is truly sad.My story has a similar ring to it but it’s worse.I just awaken to the fact that I’m 50+, alone, no retirement plan in place, owe the IRS back taxes, currently carrying credit card debt to the tune of $25,000, limited savings and about to lose my job, car needs work, and can barely pay my bills.Couple that with health issues and throw in a little depression and you’re got a tragic situation. If you’ve got any answers I’m all ears. Note: I know that there will be those that judge me harshly.Please be gentle
I know I caught this story quite late, but it really hit a tone with me.
My story is quite the same, although has a few parts different.
Parents should never, ever, take money from their child’s college fund if it is put there by someone else, then for the mother to refuse to pay the bills, that is pretty ridiculous.
Also, cme I believe said that the mother was hard working.. Perhaps she was, but she also spent lavishly it seems, and was not very interested in bettering her children.
Stories like this upset me, and honestly if you have not been through something like this, I understand if you are unable to comprehend the repercussions of a parents financial actions, or lack thereof.
Thank you for sharing this story!
I am currently going through a similar situation with my parents (I am 27) they have just gone through a very very messy divorce. My now estranged mother has taken half of the house profits, half of my dad’s pension and is now trying to sue him for a second time. This is on top of the £60K that my dad gave her before the divorce as a goodwill gesture. Big mistake! My dad would have been ok had he not blown the £100k from the his retirement on bad business decisions (pyramid scheme) and holidays for him and his 15 years younger now- ex girlfriend. I am constantly being asked for money by him and being guilt tripped as he was generous to me when my parents had money. Only I don’t have a well paid job and i am trying to save for a house and for my future! It is causing major problems with me and my boyfriend which is understandable, and my older brother and sister do not live close so they don’t want to know.
It is very hard not to be bitter, especially as other parents seem to be helping in their children’s future and i just feel like mine are doing everything possible to hinder mine!
Thanks for sharing your story, i totally sympathise and it’s comforting to know that i am not the only one who is is in this situation!
To all those who say that college is not an entitlement, let’s go with your argument, and very quickly abolish social security payments to those who did not empower their children to make a decent living. Maybe they can get financial aid for their retirement, I mean a loan of course? Yes, this sounds fair…
Hi, I’m new to this site but found it interesting. Can you tell me what job or occupation you chose or pursued? I’m interested in knowing whether you chose a different job from your mother (secretary) because of the hardship and mismanagement of money you experienced with your family.
Yes, my wife became a pharmacist.
Thanks! It confirms my belief that children can be successful even with poor parenting because of their resilience. Congratulations to your wife for overcoming such difficulties.
Coming to this late too post my story. I am in a similar situation and have such mixed emotions I just don’t know what to do. Any feedback or suggestions would be great.
My parents divorced in my early teens. Money was a big issue amongst a litany of other things. They both emotionally put me in the middle and as an adult I now understand that how they handled it was about as selfish as it gets. In my late teens I stopped speaking with my father. For better or worse it was just too much drama.
I went to college, but didn’t want to. I was well aware of the fact that no one could afford it. Especially the big private, expensive college, my mother insisted on. I dropped out after a couple years because I was determined to figure it out on my own and stop the loans. It was paid for almost solely in loans. What I stupidly didn’t do at that age was file away all the promissory notes and get a handle on the bills that would be coming once I left. So the craziness begins whereby my mother decides to hide (literally) college bills and when confronted acted crazy and ran away with the bills which she couldn’t pay and some of which were in my name. I eventually called the college, got the loans in order and prioritized by interest rate. This is after my credit went into the tank. I started paying those in my name and paid them off in time. My mother paid her loans which yes, were for my education. I feel guilty about this.
However, somehow, and no one remembers why, two of them fell through the cracks. My mother got collections calls at some point and paid them less than the interest for ten years or so. Ten years later she missed some payments and they got a hold of me. I got a lawyer because they wouldn’t settle, they wouldn’t even give me paperwork on what I owed, and it was awful and probably illegally handled. I cashed out my Roth IRA (with a tax penalty) and used whatever saving I had in cash. I paid the 18K.
Now right when I left college my mother won a law suite against her land lord because she fell. She never owned a home, and even with all the college debt (probably some credit card and no other savings at all, she somehow got a mortgage. Albeit it was one with mortgage insurance and so on. I lived with her at this time. She purchased the house, moved out when I wasn’t there, and I came home to an empty apartment. I moved out once the month was over and found my own very small but safe place.
My mother had a good job for the first time, a house, and her daughter was an adult, so she spent. She decorated the house fabulously. I think she thought it was an investment.
So now to the good news. I am now in my early 30s, married and with a very good job. Have 401K and definitely an emergency fund. For better or worse I am obsessed with keeping a job and having money. Whenever I am with my mother (she lives about 1 hour away) I pick up any bills and take her shopping on purpose to do so. However, she never calls me, never comes to my house, and never comes to any holidays (I tend to go to my husbands family).
Here is the bad news. Over two years ago (maybe even three) my mother lost her job. She didn’t tell me and only told me when she completely ran out of money and was afraid to speak with her sister. She had no savings, couldn’t find a job apparently for years, and raked up 20+K debt. She can’t pay her mortgage, my aunt gives her 1K/month now, she has a pension of 600/ month, she’s finally found work (at lower but decent pay), my uncle gives her money occasionally, and I’ve given her 5K at this point, told her to pay xyz but she pays abc. With the credit card debt the whole is deep now. I have advised her to sell the house. My aunt is in her late sixties, my mother is in her mid 50s, and while she doesn’t like the idea my mother can live with my aunt for free. It’s their childhood/ mortage free home. By the way my aunt lives near me and after years of my Aunt giving to her it may be nice for my mother to be with my Aunt. If my mother moves there, and my aunt passes away she would probably inherit the house- for free! If she doesn’t my uncle will sell it a divide up some inheretance to nieces.
I’ve told my mother she has no retirement and the importance. She doesn’t seem to accept this as reality or thinks somehow I will take care of everything or she can work forever. I’ve told her to sell her stuff and that she’s got to get the credit cards under control. The furniture she purchased and all the decorations. She hasn’t and won’t. Apparently she wants to be able to entertain which is funny because she barely knows anyone and never entertains. She lives on her own but I guess stuff is more important.
I don’t want to leave my mother without support but I don’t want her to take my money, leaving me at risk, so she can live in a fancy house (which I don’t) and pretend everything is great. Not to mention what do I do when this happens all over again because she simply can’t work and has no choice but to retire.