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My New Career: Stealing Cars in Oakland

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The local (Northern California) news has been a flutter this week with word that Oakland is not going to pursue a number of crimes anymore. Budget cuts have required that they lay off 80 police officers and the Police Chief Anthony Batts claims they no longer have the man power to look into certain crimes. In fact, he even put out a list of crimes they will no longer respond to. Here are some of the crimes from that link (note it is just a "partial list"):

  • burglary
  • theft
  • embezzlement
  • grand theft
  • grand theft:dog
  • identity theft
  • false information to peace officer
  • required to register as sex or arson offender
  • dump waste or offensive matter
  • discard appliance with lock
  • loud music
  • possess forged notes
  • pass fictitious check
  • obtain money by false voucher
  • fraudulent use of access cards
  • stolen license plate
  • embezzlement by an employee (over $ 400)
  • extortion
  • attempted extortion
  • false personification of other
  • injure telephone/ power line
  • interfere with power line
  • unauthorized cable tv connection
  • vandalism

After looking at this list, I am a bit at a loss as to what crimes the remaining more than 750 police officers in Oakland will be responding to. Perhaps kittens up in trees? Oh, wait, those are fireman.

So I'm thinking it's time I learn how to Slim Jim a car door and get my hot-wiring skills in fine tuned. Anyone know of a good chop shop in Northern California?

Last updated on August 1, 2011.

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5 Responses to “My New Career: Stealing Cars in Oakland”

  1. “So I’m thinking it’s time I learn how to Slim Jim a car door”

    And I think I’m going to go around and interfere with a power line

    Looking at the article, it seems that people will still be able to report the crime, they’ll just have to do it online instead of have a cop come visit you.

    Here’s the quote: “He says if you live and Oakland and one of the above happens to you, you need to let police know on-line.”

    I assume that they would still use officers to investigate. I think they’re using “respond to” to mean “come out to your house and chat about it”

    Crimes that are excluded from this list seem to be ones where the police would have official duties at the crime scene, aside from taking the report. Taking control of the body at the scene of a murder and collecting a rape test kit, for example.

    If someone steals your license plate, I’m not sure that having a police officer drive back and forth to your house is a wise use of resources. Basically, they just need to know the plate number. I’m not saying this is the case for all of the listed crimes, but it seems to make sense for quite a few.

  2. Shadox says:

    Yes! Interference with power lines! That’s the crime! I actually that crime has a high likelihood of a built-in punishment… :-)

    To be fair, it’s not like they actually did anything about those crimes when they actually responded. They’re just making it official is all.

    Hooray for efficient government…

  3. Oh wow. That paints a rather grim picture for your area…

    Then again, the US government has always terrified me with it’s staggering inefficiency. I guess that’s one more reason to be short the US dollar!

  4. don’t rob a donut shop. that would still be a bad idea.

    Our government is a joke. Now they will run health care for us and tell us what procedures we can and can’t have. Everyone wanted CHANGE. Enjoy!

  5. Burglery? if the burgler is still in your house do you still have to report in online? . You better have a smart phone then, for safety’s sake.

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