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Here’s The Best Comment in 5 Years of Lazy Man and Money

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People may not believe this, but in addition to writing 3-4 times a week (lately it's been less than that), I also read every comment I get. As of this writing, that's 19,123 comments. Okay, to be fair, I wrote 2842 comments so only 16,281 of those are from you. A little more than a week ago, I got the best comment in all 5 years.

Allow me to set the scene a bit. The comment was on my post where I wrote about this company. AJ wrote the following comment: I'm going skip over the lead-in. While it is informative, it isn't nearly as entertaining as his parody of a health-based MLM scam:

Hmmm—I have an idea. I have no education in running shoe engineering, but I do know that running is considered an excellent form of exercise. I know decades of research prove that regular exercise increases health and reduces the chances of heart disease and other serious conditions. Footwear has also been around for thousands of years. I’ll go to my garden, grab some corn husks, a few Anaheim peppers, sprinkle it all with some tumeric, cinnamon, dried oregano, and cloves, and construct an all-natural running shoe. I’ll give my new running shoe a fancy name like “The Health Husker with Anaheim Insert.” Because running is exercise and exercise is linked to improving health, I’ll claim my running shoe helps reduce heart disease and other serious conditions. I’ll also claim that because my Health Husker is all natural, you can eat it after a good workout and reduce oxidative stress based on the high ORAC values of ingredients used.

Next, I’ll find a few reputable shoe experts willing to sell their souls to the all-mighty dollar. We’ll make arrangements for me to not only hide behind their credentials, but we’ll decide that any research performed will be vague and one-sided to support my product. We’ll construct a very small version of the Health Husker, gently attach the little shoes to a few lab rats, and allow them to run for a while in their adorable, little wheel. We’ll then allow the rats to eat their shoes and we’ll perform some blood tests using unreliable methods. We’ll do a similar, extremely limited human study, log our results, and call it good. My Health Husker running shoes probably have very little to do with increasing health and reducing oxidative stress and disease, but our plans of wealth may be compromised if we dig too deep and actually perform reputable research. Also, true reputable research takes significant time, and time is money; we want our money now!

Let’s not forget that I will lie and give these reputable shoe experts credit for my breakthrough-technology Health Husker with Anaheim Insert (After all, I never had any experience with running shoe engineering beforehand and that fact will likely damage the reliability and reputation of the product and company). We’ll get our research published and accessible through PubMed to really make my Health Husker look legit. Further, because we understand the limitations of our research, we will cloud the facts and say that we hold thousands of years of footwear research under our belt, as well as decades of research related to oxidative stress, heart disease, and every other positive benefit attributed to healthy lifestyles and not necessarily linked to the Health Husker. Again, the all-mighty dollar is at stake, so the truth really isn’t that important. What people don’t know won’t hurt them, right?

Last, I will prey upon the ill-educated, lazy, and those pathetic individuals easily convinced to pour their money into a product based upon lofty promises of wealth and exaggerated returns on investment. I will amaze them through spectacular marketing, full-color brochures, a fancy shoe box, provide them only with information to serve the purpose of making me rich, and will have them drooling over promises of unrealistic incomes. I’ll say something like:

“Live the life and dream you’ve always wanted and become a member of our successful Health Husker organization. Receive the income you know you are worth. Free yourself from the bonds of regular salaried employment and enjoy the lifestyle you deserve by securing your own financial freedom. [insert here a picture of high-end sports car and a happy couple running down a white sandy beach somewhere in the Caribbean]

The success and happiness of mankind is the driving force behind our company. We deeply care about your financial success and freedom. In fact, we are firmly cemented in our commitment to feed the widow, clothe the naked, care for the orphan, and help honest-to-goodness individuals, like you, secure wealthy beyond measure. Is there a reason to live by any other principle?

As an exclusive Health Husker distributor, you will experience the power of residual income as you expand your business around a scientifically proven breakthrough product and manage your own group of exclusive distributors. Dreams will materialize into realities as you bask in the fountains of wealth. No longer will you be reaching for the moon; the moon will be reaching for you.

We are proud to extend this amazing opportunity to all who desire financial freedom. Release the chains of inopportunity that bind you and secure this exclusive, life-changing opportunity with us today. Become part of an experienced company and product so amazing that it almost makes you wonder if we’re too good to be true. Don’t question, don’t think. Act now and secure the life you’ve always wanted. What are you waiting for?”

This is a no-fail plan that will attract thousands of ill-educated pathetics already distributing Protandim. True, I may have to pay out to a few losers, but I’ll pay out far less in compensation when compared to the millions I harvest. The highest percentage of my puppets will sink thousands into my product and will see a minimal return on their investment. Funny, huh?

What’s even more hilarious is many distributors will resort to false and illegal health claims in hopes of selling more product. They will find themselves in such a financial dump after throwing away thousands into my product that they’ll feel no remorse in resorting to false claims that my Health Husker with Anaheim Insert cures MS, diabetes, heart disease, cancer, thyroid disease, Irritable Bowl Syndrome, menstrual cramps, STD’s, hemorrhoids, bipolar syndrome, and anything else they can think of. Some folks with serious health conditions will even believe such asinine claims, buy my product, and fool themselves into feeling better and believing that their increased health is a direct result of my Health Husker. Hopefully they’ll all become Health Husker distributors, too. I know the real truth, but why should I say anything contrary to such ridiculously illegal health claims? After all, I’ve covered myself by addressing the use of illegal health statements in my distributor’s contract. I need to make my millions, and a few lies and putting innocent individuals’ health at risk is a small price to pay when millions are at stake. What people don’t know won’t hurt them, right?

After reading this, some Protandim distributors might shout, “Are you kidding me? I’d never buy into something so ridiculous and so exaggerated. I know a scam when I see it.” On the other hand, I’m sure most are saying, “Six-figure incomes, sports cars, and Caribbean vacations? Where do I sign up?” Again, you’re all alike. You currently peddle something just as ridiculous and exaggerated as the amazing Health Husker with Anaheim Insert.

Even if someone can successfully market dog crap with whipped cream and a cherry on top, in the end it’s still dog crap–regardless of how many people were fooled by the whipped cream and cherry.

The beauty of this is that can be applied to the MonaVie or One24 health scams. The parts change slightly. One24 doesn't have their product in Pubmed and they don't have an alleged expert to give credibility to the product. Still, the idea is the same, get people to buy a greatly overpriced product each month because it is a requirement to get in the business that will make your dreams come true.

Last updated on October 13, 2015.

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2 Responses to “Here’s The Best Comment in 5 Years of Lazy Man and Money”

  1. Anonymous says:

    Are you really this much of a skeptic. Wow!

    • Lazy Man says:

      When it comes to provable science, there’s no room for believers and skeptics. There is just that which has been proven and which hasn’t.

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