Comments on: A Sudden Expense Changes Everything

By: John Truong

John Truong — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 19:30:22 +0000

Tough one… happy wife, happy life and all that…

I tend to agree with the commenter who said that if you invite overseas guests, then you have to be willing to reciprocate. Even if the flight didn’t cost them anything, it was still a huge investment of their time and effort to make the trip.

That said, she owes you some help. For the airfare, some airlines have “friends and family” type vouchers that can be used for heavily discounted. See if she has that option available, or if she could help you book the flights some other way. For accommodation, see if she had idea there. The hostel suggestion someone had isn’t a bad one… perhaps she has friends or family who could billet you.

By: Lana

Lana — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 21:37:32 +0000

I have read in various places that men’s friendships are based on who they hang around with, while women’s friendships are based more on emotional connections. For a woman, it’s important to have a friend whom you share a certain emotional core with. Women talk and share secrets, which backs up this theory. Men, so it goes, have friendships based on who they spend time with – the buddy you play ball with, the buddy you go fishing with, the buddy you talk shop with, etc. In my limited experience, I can say this rings true a good deal of the time. It may help to explain why your wife can exchange just a few e-mails a year with someone and yet consider them important enough to travel across the globe to be with. I can say that my closest friends live farthest away. I probably only see my best friend a handful of times a year, and we talk on the phone every few months. But she’s still my best friend.

By: Living Off Dividends

Living Off Dividends — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 13:19:10 +0000

You could say that you just took time off for your own wedding/honeymoon and can’t get any more time off until next year.

offer to come if they postpone the wedding, or maybe catch them for the next one! ;-)

By: Chief Family Officer

Chief Family Officer — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 04:54:57 +0000

I see you already considered what I was going to suggest – that your wife go alone if this is really important to her. And if this is really important to her and you want to go, and you can afford to go, then you should go.

And as for what you said in your later post, I wanted to say that I personally think combined finances are a good thing for a married couple – I do think it tends to help you think the same way about money.

By: Brip Blap

Brip Blap — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 03:09:32 +0000

I agree with Enough Wealth – if you invite overseas guests, you’ve got to be ready to reciprocate. I did the same thing – we invited a good friend of mine from France to our wedding and soon she’ll be getting married and we’ll be going over there with a toddler and a baby – but hey, that’s life. Good luck going to Europe for $1800, by the way… that’s got to be on the low end…

Don’t worry about it too much. You have to assume in life that there are obligations that require some cash outlay. If you CAN pay for it, pay for it. If you can’t, don’t. Since you can, you should. I think 45 days is a reasonable notice. If they had gotten engaged 3 months ago and just notified you now, it wouldn’t be, but if it’s fairly recent I wouldn’t be too shocked.

Spain is cool, anyway. Paella and Spanish wine – that’s living.

By: escapee

escapee — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 18:33:20 +0000

I wouldn’t go- that is WAY too short of notice for such a huge expense. In order to budget for something like that you need to be able to set aside a few hundred every month.

If the friends gets upset, so be it. It’s not like she’s someone that you see every day.

By: Prosper loan stats

Prosper loan stats — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 17:05:18 +0000

Spain is a very interesting country.
Rather than spend that much just to go to the wedding, maybe you spend a tad more and can combine it with a trip around the country and stay for a week?

Regarding hotels: Early March should be off-peak season

By: Tim

Tim — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 15:08:29 +0000

Wanting to go is definitely the criteria along with if you can afford to go. There is no need for reciprocation, and you shouldn’t feel guilt in not going either. Send a gift, send a card, whatever. There are plenty of things in life that you cannot buy or do.

Now a happy compromise could be that you send your wife and you stay behind. My wife wanted to go to her best friend’s wedding in Taiwan. Considering my wife had already made two trips back to Taiwan, one to Romania, one to South Africa, one to Qatar, one to UAE, one to Malaysia, one to Bali, one to Italy, one to Turkey, one to Ethiopia, and one to Czech Republic all this past year, I think we were a little tapped out on our travel expenses. She went, I stayed at home.

By: Enough Wealth

Enough Wealth — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 13:32:33 +0000

You shouldn’t invite guests to your wedding from overseas if you’re not willing to reciprocate. I don’t think your wife’s friend flew for free – my dad worked for two different airlines and the standard policy is for staff to travel for 20% of the “standard” economy airfare. That works out to about 40%-50% of a normal discount airfare.

If your wife really wants to go I’d just plan a short spanish holiday around the trip and make the most of it.

I hope you didn’t have too many other friends come to your wedding from overseas!

By: SC

SC — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 06:28:32 +0000

I say if this is too stressful a financial burden at this time, you have to tell the friend you wish you could go but just can’t–and send a very nice present instead.

And before you raid the emergency fund–I’d really ask myself if this is such an emergency or more a want/desire.

Also, start asking around if you know anyone who works for a major airline. Friends of a friend. I know someone who works for a major airline and they can get passes for friends to fly at a major discount. From California to Spain would be 400-450 roundtrip with my friend’s discount (the catch is you have to fly their airline only and you fly standby though every time we’ve used it we’ve gotten on okay).

Good luck.

By: Moneyloveandchange

Moneyloveandchange — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 04:48:14 +0000

I have to agree with personal loan – traveling is one thing that (in moderation) can really be worth spending money on. Although I could not afford many of my travels in college, I wouldn’t trade in the experience for anything.

Is is possible to turn it into a mini-vacation and do some sight-seeing while you are there?

By: Personal Loan Portfolio

Personal Loan Portfolio — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 04:10:36 +0000

America is probably the only place in the world where people have two year long engagements. I don’t think that 45 days is really short notice for many countries. My wife is from another country and we go back there often for Christmas and New Year’s. However, we never make the plans before Thanksgiving. Planning too far ahead would just invite bad luck or unforeseen events. ;)

I had a whole group of people fly 10 time zones for my wedding. It feels great and is fun to have people travel the world to participate. I also went to a few weddings abroad. Memories of a wedding in Chihuahua, Mexico are bringing a smile to my face. That one strapped my budget for some time because I did not make much money then, but I would not trade the experience for anything.

Other ways to think about it 1) Finding the cheapest tickets possible will make for an interesting post for you blog. 2) It is a guilt free vacation to Spain because you “had to go” for the wedding.

Buy the tickets, have a good time, and send us all a post card.

By: Sjean

Sjean — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 04:03:20 +0000

As usualy, the first question is, can you afford it? It sounds like you CAN, but there are other things you’d sacrifice. Even if it’s just savings.

Really, it seems like a negotiation with your wife. Does she think it is important to go?

If I went, I’d make the most out of it and turn it into a vacation.

By: Joseph Sangl

Joseph Sangl — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 02:49:37 +0000

YIKES! I would NOT go, but that is my own cheap self speaking!

By: Lazy Man

Lazy Man — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:45:53 +0000

A couple of quick notes:

- Thanks for all the comments, I greatly appreciate them.
- About the short notice… The engagement happened around New Year’s. I don’t believe this is going to be similar to the type of wedding that has been common in the United States. As far as sending invitations internationally, e-mail is instant – even in Spain ;-).
- My wife didn’t play a “my culture” card, I just know how it is. It’s one thing that I’ve learned in our 20 month engagement
- Expenses – The flight is actually the cheaper part of my very, very conservative $1800 estimate. If my wife goes alone it’s going to cost $1200 for flight and lodging. At that point, I don’t mind spending the $600 extra for the enjoyment of seeing a new country. I really would like to go to Spain, I’m just not sure if this is the time.

By: Money Management and You

Money Management and You — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:11:18 +0000

45 days is very very short notice, especially when your sending invitations internationally.

I know other people with “friendships” like that, they seem to be just formal acquaintances, but they pretend as though they’ve been best friends for years

By: Early Retirement Extreme

Early Retirement Extreme — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:02:45 +0000

I would pull the “my culture” card which says that missing a wedding party should not influence a friendship and that if it does, I would not be interested in that friendship anyway. Actually, something similar happened to us in reverse. We wanted to make our wedding small, so we made a cut off that said closest family only so as not to have to put up with dozens of guests. Some friends understood that perfectly fine whereas one particular individual did not get it all. It took almost two years before that person started talking to my wife again. Overall and culturally speaking I think we came out on top of that exchange as we were very reasonable about the whole thing.

By: Dan

Dan — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 22:53:45 +0000

Has anyone considered they purposely sent you the invitation on short notice? It’s a good way of saying you are invited but not really. Chances are you got pulled from the “B” or “C” list.

Do you think their close friends knew about this event a month and a half ahead of time? Doubt it.

If not going to this wedding is a “slap in the face”, then what do you call an invitation sent a month and a half ahead of the event?

By: Joy

Joy — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 22:19:02 +0000

I’ve had several invitations from out of the country myself, each would’ve easily cost me the same amount that you mentioned and that’s only for myself. I say just be honest about the situation the the friend, as what Anitra said above. Chances are, if the friendship is that deep, she’d either offer to help or will accept your apologies for not being able to come. I come from a culture where people sometimes get in debt just to be able to attend weddings and other special occasions, but sometimes, you just have to be practical. There will be other times when you can celebrate their marriage after the fact.

I’ve declined 3 international weddings already, and they both understood. There’s another one that’s pending for 2009 that I might be able to go to, but I was very honest about my apprehensions.

Talk to your wife about it, too, since she’s the friend. She could be just waiting for you to say No.

By: Mrs. Micah

Mrs. Micah — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 22:08:13 +0000

I’d say tell your wife that it’s her decision–since it’s her friend and her culture. Let her know that if she feels you both need to go that you can work together on figuring out how to plan to trip and keep expenses down.